Once Upon A Time There Was a Magical Wedding....And Beatrice's Hat.

It's been a while since I've blogged but I had to come back to write about something I think is quite important but is failing receive the recognition it deserves. I mean, doesn't anyone want to discuss the Royal Wedding?? The lack of attention for this event is just horrible and I won't stand for it.

I lead with sarcasm because I feel like a cliche and it's a defense mechanism. I'm missing-in-action in the blogosphere and come back to write about the very topic you can read about on 15 million other sites. Wow, Lindsay, how original of you.

I'm a little slow. Sure, I've been following all the news and anxiously awaited this morning's event, but I think I entered full obssession after the wedding, when others' interests climaxed and naturally started to wane. For them, it was the perfect conclusion to months of anticipation.


(AP PHOTO/DOMINIC LIPINSKI)


Not for me.

I can't stop reading fashion blogs. I can't stop looking at event timelines that recap the very order of events that I already watched 13 hours ago. And, I want a fancy hat on my head, like, now.

Forget the happy couple, here's how it all went down for me.

My mom had a tea party....a tea party. And, it was awesome. I don't actually remember ever having a tea party when I was little like most four-year-old girls are supposed to do. But I've now had one at the age of 26 (that's right, y'all. I had a birthday!) This morning, I woke up early and we had crumpets and scones and tea and champagne and fruit and...as my mom put it...real butter. Is that a British thing or were we just eating real butter because this was a full-fat kind of an occasion?

I don't recall what kind of butter we had at my sister's wedding. I'm not sure it was real.

 From the moment I turned on the television, I was utterly captivated. I found myself excitedly shouting things like, "There's a car driving! Someone royal is in that car!" And, don't even get me started on Kate Catherine's gown. I pretty much gasped every time there was a glimpse of her gown during the procession to the church. It was elegant, timeless, gorgeous, classy...need I go on? Kudos, Sara Burton of Alexander McQueen. It was a masterpiece.


(AP PHOTO/MARTIN MEISSNER)



The beautiful bride and her similarly gorgeous maid of honor.
 (AP PHOTO/ALASTAIR GRANT)

I would like to do whatever workout those Middleton girls are doing and eat whatever foods they may (or  may not...) be eating. I don't think there was a whole lot of Spanx going on there. If I was going to be marrying a Prince in front of billions of people, I would be in as many Spanx as I could fit under my designer gown. I would want a tiara just like Kate's, but I probably wouldn't have had a long train because I'm not very graceful when I walk. I would like to think I'd be one of those royals who wants her privacy but embraces the love of the people and utilizes it to launch my philanthropic efforts and...oh right, sorry. Where was I?

I know people argue that the monarchy is archaeic and serves no purpose, but it all seemed so magical. I loved the tradition and the elegance of it all. But, I especially enjoyed the endearing moments that reminded you that these are real people entering into marriage: Harry turning around to look at Kate and whispering to William....William and Kate coyly glancing at each other during the service....the wedding guests obviously singing the incorrect words to the hymns...Kate's dad wiping his forehead and looking relieved to have his part over with...

And, ok, lets just get to the important part: HATS.

I'm not sure I ever want to go to a wedding that doesn't require hats. That was unbelievable. I think the proper term is "head sculpture." You know how sometimes Brits can say something totally stupid and sound completely genius because of their intelligent-sounding accent? Somehow that phenomenon translates to headgear. They can pull off some serious hats.

Now, you may have noticed this is a rather romanticized post and has not been catty at all. Let's deviate from that for a moment to discuss....

Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice (AP PHOTO)

 Um...what was that I was saying about British women being able to pull off hats? I don't quite understand what this is on Princess Beatrice's head. One critic stated that Princess Beatrice's hat didn't "go with the shape of her face." That begs the question, "What shape face must one have for this hat?" I can recognize outlandish, creative, hats for the "works of art" that they are but, seriously?

If I was sitting behind her, I would get distracted and want to see how many things I could throw through her hat. That's probably why I wasn't invited to the wedding. Yeah, that was it.

And, while we're discussing headgear, how in the hell do these fascinators work? They defy the laws of gravity. They sit vertically on one's forehead and do not fall off? Amazing.

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson (GETTY)

But, even hats, as entertaining as they are, paled in comparison to the couple of the hour (well, about 6 hours of event coverage). Did anyone else get goosebumps when Kate said, "I will." and there was an eruption of cheering for the crowd outside? Or, when the boys choir started singing?

I was overly nervous for everyone involved in the service, due to the large audience and historical significance. I found myself saying, "Oh geez, can you imagine being that police man leading the escort? Don't fall off your motorcycle!" "Whoa, can you imagine being the young boy who is the soloist?" "Gosh, I hope that photographer doesn't miss the shot? What if she has technical difficulty?" "Can you imagine waking up in the morning and knowing that 2 billion people are going to watch you?"

I was afraid that, with all the hype, I would be a bit disappointed. That's what usually happens with me (ex: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo? I don't get it...I vote "mediocre, at best.). Fortunately, The Royal Wedding was not the case. It actually made me wish I had bought into the plethora of TV specials, miniseries, etc. Why did I not watch one of the 7 "Behind the Royal Wedding" primetime specials? Ugh, stupid, Lindsay, stupid!

The only downside of the wedding was that it was over at 8:30am and I then had to go to work. My day suddenly seemed unbearably boring and unglamorous. I think if I'd had a hat, then it would've made things a little better.

Congrats and best wishes to Will & Kate  The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge!

Prince Harry.....call me.